I sincerely hope those who fight for gender equality will take their fight down to the courthouse steps – the steps of Family Courts all across America. Fight for men who are blindsided by unilateral divorce and truly want to be fathers to their children. The equality fight should include fighting for equality in parenting.
If you have been inside of that family court, you know equality is a dirty word. If you are a man, and have tried to deal with family court judges, you know what I mean.
If you are a man, and have stepped inside of that place, it is truly hell on earth.
There is an incredible amount of gender bias in the halls of these places and it needs to be put to rest. Neither parent deserves to be with the children of a couple more than the other. The blatant inequality that is on display should be addressed in a manner as vigorously as activists seem to do with issues like child abuse, domestic violence and poverty. In fact, it is all related.
The removal of the father from the home by these judges directly contributes to poverty, which in turn, can lead to instances of child abuse, and instances of domestic abuse. The splitting of the home into two creates separate sets of expenses and often leads to financial hardship for BOTH the mother and father. The long-lasting effects are far-reaching and incredibly devastating for many communities, especially ones that are without the means to work out their custody issues in a more rational, less emotional manner or place. Family court is in no way the arena to find the best solution for families and children. Family court judges are CERTAINLY not looking out for the best interest of the children. If it were, the judges would find a way to maintain a healthy relationship with both the mother and the father.
Children need both their mother and father. It appears family court does not see that as a viable solution. They envision the father leaving, and paying the mother according arbitrary guidelines that are not related to the specific case in front of them. They also relegate the father to visitor status – a visitor to his own children – every other weekend. Never good.
In family court, the game is played out like this:
The magistrate/judge speaks to the woman and says, “honey, how much do you want in child support? Listen honey, relax, we are going to screw your husband so that he will rarely see his kids. You don’t need him anyway. All you need is that money. My playbook says here that he only gets to bother you every other weekend when he comes to pick up YOUR kids fro two days. Relax, honey, soon enough, he will run out of money and be broke, and resent you and the court system for 21 years. But it won’t matter because we’ll throw him in jail because he can’t really pay that 25% of his gross income for those two lovely kids of YOURS. What honey? Did you say you wanted alimony too? SURE!!!! For the rest of your life? No problem”
Then he looks over to the husband and yells, “SIR, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!”
“Now as I was saying honey, what else do you want?”
Fun stuff huh?
Yup, that is the script. Don’t believe me, try it out. Have your wife get tired of you and decide to end your marriage without your consent. Oh, and by the way…Yes, you can divorce your spouse just because you feel like it, for no reason at all. No fault laws allows that nonsense to happen.
Here are a few things every man should know about the family court experience and ways to combat the system. It worked for me and it can possibly work for you. Here is your mission, if you choose to accept:
1) Never assume you have to pay your future ex-wife a dime. Just because the law says that there is alimony and child support guidelines, does not mean that you have to follow the law as it is written – if you settle. Most couples settle out of court and work out an arrangement that has nothing to do with what any law actually says. Yes, you can get divorced from your wife and never have a financial connection with her. I don’t.
2) If you have children – never leave the marital home. If you do, you are beginning the divorce proceedings from a position of weakness. Never abandon your children.
3) Find a way to get your case to actual judges in Supreme Court. Family court magistrates are evil, man hating cyborgs that are hell-bent on destroying the lives of even man they see walk through the door.
I spent 11 months of hell living with an ex that tried every trick in the book to get me thrown in jail and kicked out of our home. Unfortunately, in the beginning of our battle, I felt the wrath of a family court magistrate. Luckily I had great advice and had our case presided over by….The Honorable Sarah Lee Evans. She was a blessing. Most actual judges see through the nonsense that many estranged spouses bring to court. The harassment charges, the non-existent abuse, the false accusations, the charges of poor parenting skills. They see though all of it. They pretty much force people to settle because most divorces are petty. There is always a way out. The problem is usually due to the emotions that are running high. After one spouse gets a legal beat down in court, they tend to wake up to the reality of life and settle. Then they move on and leave you alone, for a while.
You CAN beat the system. I did. It’s all about knowing the law, having the desire to fight and doing the right thing for your kids. You also have to do the the right things to support your case. When you are in a custody fight, it is no longer about you and your ex. It is about your parenting time, your money and the rest of your life with with your children. Fight for it and you can win. Too many men don’t – and fail. But understand this, the first battle usually winds up in hell…family court that is. Once you emerge from the abyss, and you take your bruises with your bumps, stand back up and take the fight to a higher level of justice.
For those men, those good men, that get caught off guard by a vindictive women who want to ruin your life for a few years, beware! Do whatever you can to stay out of that place. Find a way to get your case heard by supreme court judges, or make your ex settle, like I did. It can be done. It takes balls and a lot of money.
But, whatever you do, stay away from family court!